1. Get this video.
2. Once you pick yourself off the floor from hysterical laughter at the thought of being “shredded,” go get baby that naps at a reasonably predictable hour.
3. Take Baby to your room before his nap. It’s essential to be completely ready to workout as soon as Baby goes to sleep, since God knows how long he’ll actually stay asleep! Putting on your workout clothes quickly is not enough. You must simultaneously make ridiculous faces at baby so he won’t start fussing. Do whatever it takes to keep baby happy in order to get dressed all the way to your shoes. (This may take up to 17 ridiculously loopy iterations of Itsy-Bitsy Spider, Ram Sam Sam, or simply repeating the words, “Bah, bah, bah,” over and over in the voice of a daft, grumpy old man.)
4. The instant you lay baby down for nap, race to the living room and turn on video. Do a ridiculous amount of push-ups and lunges and squat jumps while frantically eyeing the baby monitor and praying the baby doesn’t wake up.
5. Get nice husband. Beg him to watch baby on Saturday afternoons so you can run. (Then force yourself to actually do it instead of taking a nap, which is what you actually want to do.)
6. Repeat four days a week for 12 weeks.
7. Tell yourself you’ll only eat dessert and/or have a glass of wine one night each week. (So moderate! Unfortunately, you break this promise to yourself thrice weekly for 10 of the 12 weeks.)
8. Congratulations, you have “Lost Your Baby Weight.” Now look in the mirror. You will be disappointed about how your body “doesn’t look the same as it did before.” It won’t. The quicker you get over it, the happier you’ll be.
9. Put on your “pre-pregnancy jeans.” Ignore small amount of chub that still hangs over the waistband (see #8).
10. Kiss your baby. Be incredibly grateful for a healthy body and a healthy baby. (And a nice husband!!)