Quick. Which sounds longer—10 weeks, 70 days or 2½ months? 70 days sounds longest to me right now, so I’ll go with that.
70 days from now, if the Universe is willing and the stars are aligned and my doctor is right, I will be giving birth to a brand spankin’ new baby girl.
I’ve been in denial for a long time (147 days, to be exact). Our little family of a manageable three appears likely to become an unfathomable foursome very soon.
As you might have noticed by my incredibly spotty blogging in the last six months, I’m having trouble putting my feelings about all of this into words. A colleague with a daughter the same age as my toddler reacted to my news by saying, “Wow. I really admire you. I just don’t think I could do that right now.” To which I surprised myself by responding, “It just feels really right for us. We knew we were ready.” And we did. And we are.
Which doesn’t mean we’re ready at all.
Along with the drastic tactics I’ve been taking to tame my growing to-do list (which you can read about here), I’ve been trying (unsuccessfully) to quell my growing anxiety. I was pretty sure that if I could just read another thousand pages of parenting books about having two kids, and spend another 50-100 hours “researching” online how to manage the transition from parenting one kid to parenting more, I’d feel calm, well-equipped to tackle an impending colossal life change.
Well, I tried that. And it didn’t work. And it sucks. Because now I have to admit that I am afraid, not perfect, and don’t have it ALL TOGETHER. Which I hate.
My anxieties are mostly what you’d imagine: How will I manage to keep my toddler happy and engaged while caring for a newborn? How will groceries and toothpaste and toilet paper get into the house with any kind of regularity? What’s the quickest way to become an expert in facilitating positive sibling relations? What’s going to happen to my marriage when my sleep-deprivation and overwhelmed cognitive load sends my daily disposition from generally cordial to snarling grouchy nag? When will there ever be time to have a life of my own again?
And, suddenly, as I sit trying to put into words every fear I have about my life after 10 weeks from now, I have a comforting thought:
This isn’t anything new. The particulars here are different, but these feelings that I’m having are very, VERY familiar. The feeling that I can’t control what’s going to happen though I desperately want to. A fear of the unknown and the tenaciously unknowable. The frustration that I won’t be perfect, that I can’t be perfect. The fear that when I’m not perfect, I won’t be worthy of love anymore.
And if I can just remember that I’ve been down this road many times before, I’ll be able to remember this: I can be a great anticipator of all manner of things catastrophic. But when I get locked into fear, I am not such a great anticipator of other important, unpredictable responses like resilience, courage, and love. And love is always much, much bigger than fear.
So it seems I find once again that the challenge of parenting is not that of organizing diapers by size in a closet or madly searching pinterest for “best toy storage system” (you know, the one that will enable me to walk across my living room floor without being hobbled by the upsettingly sharp bite of an errant wooden block). The work of parenting seems to be the work of living which, as far as I’ve figured out, anyway, is the work of forgetting and then remembering and then forgetting and remembering all over again that no matter how hard and scary things seem, there is always and there will always also be love and joy and peace available to us when we surrender and remember…
(But if any of you do have tips about toy storage, sibling rivalry, or taming toddler tantrums while getting a preemie to nurse… I’m all ears!!)
Kay said:
Congratulations….and best of luck! It sounds like you have the important things figured out. I’m afraid I can’t offer any advice since we stopped at one child. This past year we considered opening our home to foster children, but I’ve scared myself out of it with all those feelings of being overwhelmed.
luckygurl said:
Oh, Kay. I’ve thought so much about fostering, too. So much to think about! I keep reminding myself that being overwhelmed and scared is not “bad”… It just is, if that makes any sense…
Emily said:
Thanks for sharing this! I really enjoy your honesty, because so often we hear new parents only speaking of the excitement and acting like they DO have it all together. I am only 22 and not married yet, let alone having kids, but I anticipate feeling the exact same way as you. I admire your strength, because I know that being a mom is one difficult job! I think you hit the nail on the head when you said how our anxieties will wax and wan; once that little girl is in your arms, it will be well worth it and all will seem to fall together. You’ve done this before, and you can do it again! Good luck!
luckygurl said:
Thanks for the support, Emily!
elsie said:
“The work of parenting seems to be the work of living,” seems to be the most powerful words of discovery. Life isn’t perfect, so embrace the imperfections. They make it interesting and your world will become so interesting with your new arrival. I loved the beginning. It’s interesting how laying out time sounds like different lengths. Congratulations on your soon to be daughter!
C. Crouch said:
You seem to have an amazing sense of humor. You made me laugh. Not at your situation of course but at your take on it all. I also loved your open, honesty. All of us mammas felt exactly the same way but some may have tried to act like the “real-life” wasn’t happening to us at all. I think your amazing qualities will help you traverse through it all until a new “normal” emerges. Good Luck and Congrats!
luckygurl said:
Yeah, that’s what I need to get to–new normal! Thanks.
Rachel said:
Do you have a Fischer Price Rock and Play sleeper? It keeps the baby safe (and a little higher up) so that you can attend to #1. I found it to be a huge relief when my #2 (now 10 months old) was born. I appreciate your honesty in this post, too!
luckygurl said:
Yes, a few of my friends had that one and loved it. I’m considering getting one…
Two years and finishing strong... said:
Phenomenal piece of writing. I loved this question, What’s going to happen to my marriage when my sleep-deprivation and overwhelmed cognitive load sends my daily disposition from generally cordial to snarling grouchy nag? My answer ….you will write it down, share it and tame that beast that we all create. I know that the rest of your family will also love you through it. I can’t wait to hear about it. xo
luckygurl said:
Yes! That’s part of the resolution of this, isn’t it? Knowing I have the coping mechanisms I need to get through the hard and scary times… Thanks for reading. (And complimenting!)
Stacey Shubitz said:
You’re asking all the questions and wondering about all of the things I wonder about when I contemplate adding another child to our family. I don’t know how I’ll do it (We’re not quite there yet!). I know everything falls into place. With a good sense of humor I’m sure everything can work.
BTW: I had some neighbors over for lunch and one of them brought her 2.5 month old baby. My daughter was wonderful with him. So gentle. They kept saying, “She’ll be a great big sister.” I hope she will be. Someday…
As we say in Hebrew, b’shaa tova.
luckygurl said:
Thanks, Stacey. Being a sibling is such a journey, I know I’ve learned so much from the experience, and I hope my son will, too.
blkdrama said:
I hope you keep sharing your thoughts with us as you get closer and closer. There’s nothing like this community for… community 🙂
BOnnie
luckygurl said:
Thanks Bonnie. Seems I won’t be able to help sharing my thoughts since I have 30 more days of blog posts to fill! 😉
Carol Wilcox said:
I’m at the other end of the parenting journey, only a few months from the empty nest thing. All I can say is enjoy, enjoy, enjoy, it goes way too fast. Focus on the big stuff. And all the little stuff, like toilet paper and toothpaste will eventually work themselves out.
luckygurl said:
I keep trying to tell myself that this baby/toddler stage is so short and enjoy it! I hope I will enjoy it even more the second time around now that I know “what to expect”. 🙂
writekimwrite said:
So this is what you have been up to! 🙂 I have missed your voice. I kept thinking about you all through the last baseball season since one of our teams won the World Series and one of our teams did not. Though I am STILL planning on going to Spring Training again this year (hope springs eternal)! I hope you will keep expressing yourself as you did so honestly here. And….congratulations…69 days…
luckygurl said:
Yes! What an amazing post-season… I hope you DO get to spring training! (My husband was like, “So… when do you think we’ll be able to go to spring training again?” Might be a little while now. 🙂 )
Ruth Ayres said:
You’ll be fine. 🙂
As far as the writing, I’m glad to read again. I love this line: “Which doesn’t mean we’re ready at all.” It made me smile and the craft of it is lovely.
Hoping you are going to write all March long.
Ruth
luckygurl said:
Thanks, Ruth. Sometimes the line just comes (as this one did). Sometimes it takes hard, hard, work (like parts of today’s post!)…
teenytinyfoodie said:
Congratulations! Very happy for you three.